Seeking and searching

The more time spent with positive, uplifting people, the easier it is to stay positive and focus on the present. Positivity is contagious and the more it's around you, the more you start to see the good in the world, taking your mind away from dwelling on your heart break and reminding you of all that you still have to be thankful for.

Last Saturday, I had a chance to volunteer this one charity organization (NGO) to give out food to homeless people around KL. My first thought at that point of time, they are probably drug addicts and got kick out from home or probably not educated and end up at the street or perhaps they have no purpose in life by giving up their future at the street. I was wrong and come to think of it,they were not born at the street.

Something actually happened to them till they opt to stay outside especially the elderly.How did they end up stay at the street side by side with other elderly? How? Where are their family members? Did the kids aware the parents sleeping on the card board instead of nice comfy bed? Why are they staying outside with this kind of weather in Malaysia? why ?

As sad as it's been for me, I've been trying really, really hard to make good use the time I had when I distributed the food to those homeless.With little bit sad thinking how eager they were when we passed the food ( deep inside me, I know they are hungry), I realized my life is too perfect than theirs.

I have my family,friends and job for living. I have a car to drive here and there and also place to shelter. I switch air-conditioner when I feel warm in the room. I earn money and spend like there is no tomorrow. I have amazing parents who assist and give me allowance when I am dead broke. I eat outside almost everyday and sometimes I complain how yikes the food with the price I pay. I can do whatever I want.I can spend on what I desire.

But,

How about these people who is homeless and they have no money and place to shelter? 

A lot has changed since last Saturday.I have decided something big to my life.Something which impact myself for entire life. I am very sure with this path. Although the right path is sometimes the harder path, the path that makes me push myself and struggle and become better.

December to remember..

For me, and for many others, December is a very festive time of year. It's the time of year when  the air is filled with the promise and excitement of people coming together in celebration. If you celebrate a December holiday, you most likely want to have a memorable holiday season, and have every intention of making it the "best one ever." But, if you're anything like me, with the hustle and bustle of everything, too often I look back on the holidays and it all seems like a blur of red and green and sparkle and something vaguely resembling magic. 

Since I came back in 2010, I never had the chance to go for long leave during the end of the year.I will be in the office, rushing off my things to get it done.I end up staying at home during the eve.Pathetic isn't it? With the crowd and amount of people in KL, I rather spend at home.Except in 2011, I got stuck with bunch of traders and dealers celebrating new years eve at the hotel.

Amount of times but I cannot help myself from posting my twitter status how excited I am  to finally taking a long leave until next year. Really long break before entering a new year with new resolutions intact. Hahaha ;p.

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A week to go..Traveling alone must be adventurous during the winter.The most important thing is to have good time with great people there,insyaAllah.Shopping is not the main thing as for now since financially not stable to shop around. I just want to go back to experience the little things which I missed most.

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Hello London 

11.12.13

You should always spend time doing what makes you happy. Last night, I spent a great deal of time doing something I did not want to do, something that made me ultimately unhappy, and when I woke this morning and thought back on the tears last night, I was reminded of a point that I always try to aspire to: do what makes you happy..

 Of course, there are situations in which we must attend unpleasant events or participate in less-than-thrilling conversations, but there so many times when we end up committing ourselves to do something we don't want to do, something we could have easily gotten out of. When this happens to me (as it did last night), I feel anger and resentment not only to the other person/people and situation, but to myself. Afterward, I ask myself, Why didn't I spend my own time with wonderful thing? Why did I waste time doing something that didn't bring happiness to my life?

 I often rationalize that I somehow got suckered into it or I couldn't get out of it.

After waking and feeling resentment, I came across Yasmin Mogahed's articles on "REMOVING THE INTRUDER : ON TREATING LOVE ADDICTIONS"

" Every created thing yearns to fulfill its’ purpose. The eyes yearn to see. The ears yearn to hear. The stomach yearns to eat. The heart yearns to love. And inside every one of us is a created thing. It is a gigantic mass. It is a mass of affection, loyalty, and devotion. And it was created with a purpose. It was created to be given. But it was made to be given in a very specific way, to a very specific place. What we chose to do—or not do—with this heavy mass, determines our state in this life and the next.

The drive to give ourselves to something compels us, and acts as a very powerful force. There is a sort of desperation to love, to share, to connect. It is a desperation to contribute, to invest, to affect. The drive is so strong; but we often don’t even understand it. We often can’t comprehend the nature of this inner mass, and we don’t know what to do with it.

So, some of us hold on to it. To try to hold on to what was made to be given, is like holding a ticking bomb inside our chest. It finally explodes within us, creating a black hole of emptiness. This is how we implode".

Allah tells us in the Quran:

“Had there been within the heavens and earth gods besides God, they both would have been ruined. So exalted is Allah , Lord of the Throne, above what they describe.” (21:22)

In this verse, God tells us what would have happened had there been more than one object of worship in the heavens and the earth: corruption and ruin. If the heavens and the earth, in all their majesty, would have been ruined by taking more than one object of worship, what of the fragile human heart?

What happens to a heart that takes more than one object of ultimate love, fear, hope, and devotion? What happens to the one who gives this inner mass to other than its’ Creator? What happens to the one who allows other than Allah to be soaked into the deepest recesses of the heart?

Cliche as it sounds, life is short. We only have a limited amount of time here in this life and we should make the most of it. We should spend whatever free time we have doing what makes us happy.Our lives are short and we should all be living them the way we would like to.

Friday

I wanted it to be okay to be perpetually in the middle, always growing and learning. I wanted to share myself openly—successes and struggles. And I wanted to learn from other people who were open to doing the same.Last Friday, I was lucky to be at the talk I have been wanting to go. The place where everyone gather every Friday to just only sit and listen to Habib Ali. Apparently, on that day itself, I was told Habib Umar from Yamen is going to be there.

When I first reached there, the crowds was MasyaAllah. It was a wonderful experience I have experienced besides been in Masjidil Haram and Madinah last year.

To some degree, I think we all do want something good to be instilled.One thing that makes life so complex is that most of us spend a lot of time searching for something—those things that will make us feel happy, proud, and meaningful.I found the additional pill to make me happy for now.Alhamdulillah.

Life changing..

As I’m writing this, it’s almost unbelievable that I harbored negative feelings about several issues for an entire decade or two. The amount of time that I completely wasted is almost unfathomable to me. And while I wouldn’t say that these negative feelings dominated my life, I am certain they held me back and kept me from realizing my full potential to be a good muslim.

Around the time I turned 28, I started to realize that the more things I let go that were bothering me, the happier I became.Things need to be changed and slowly I realized I became matured to deal with every issues in life. All my problems were solved by seeking help from God.I have learned that my battles only with myself because I want everything to be my way of solving.Because after all,it has been purposely written for me since I was born.

Since I was 18, my life has taken so many unexpected twists and turns. A lot of this is just because of who I am.What I did and do in my past.However, life still has a way of surprising us which can make long-term planning a bit difficult. And today things seem to be changing at a much faster pace than before.At some point,I just feel my life is too focusing on present " duniawi" and I don't focus on life after which is " akhirat".How long more I have to live and enjoy my time as a human before I die?

Most (and perhaps all) of the time, the process of accepting my past has involved either forgiving myself or forgiving others. I have had to forgive myself for feeling like I wasn’t good enough, poor decisions that I made, not standing up for what was right, etc. And although looking back in the grand scheme of things none of what happened would probably be considered a big deal by other people, it mattered a lot to me for many years so I had to come to terms with it.

little thing

Like a lot of people, I have a lot to be thankful for. I really do try to be grateful for everything I have in my life, but sometimes my selfish little ego takes over and I find myself complaining about things that, really, I'm lucky to have. Some things about life aren't perfect.I complain things which hurt another party.I did my way to express my frustration without realizing the consequences.This leaves me missing out on a lot of things in life that I probably would enjoy if I'd just allow myself to break free of my mental barriers.

I'm pretty much always in a hurry. I walk, talk, drive, do fast. I don't know exactly why it is, but I know it doesn't help me to live in the moment . I really need to work on just being. All of the rushing around doesn't make me happier and it only brings more stress into my life, and who needs more stress?

 Personally, I spend a lot of time waiting for the big things in life. I think in terms of the next big event -- a holiday or a birthday or a life-changing moment -- when, really, life is a lot more about the little things.

Now that I know MY ATTITUDE need to be sorted, I'm going to work on celebrating the little things in life because it's those things that really add up to make my life what it is. I am truly sorry for complaining and keep on pointing other's fault.

Perhaps I don't realize that some of the very best things in life take a lot of hard work and dedication. Some of the very best things in life requiring being brave and pushing ourselves beyond boundaries.

There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.

You have to make your own day.
To know where you're going is only part of it.
You need to know where you've been too.
And if you get lost, don't worry.
The people who love you will find you.

Salam Maal Hijrah

source

  Today, a gloomy, rain-filled day, I found myself mentally reviewing all the things I'd been doing wrong. All of my thoughts centered around the same of doubt -- "What would it take for me to be perfectly happy?

I wouldn't have stopped and thought that maybe there is a deeper meaning that. Maybe I need to think about how I act every single day and make those actions the kind that would leave the lasting impression that I would like to leave on the world, considering this very well could be my last day.

Today was a difficult day for me to focus on the positive. The weather alone was enough to send even the most upbeat person into a downward spiral of depressive thoughts. But I had the emergency room to remind me: life is precious. Life is uncertain. You never know what may happen and, even though it only happens once in your lifetime, this day could be your last day. These words are often said, but even more often ignored or passed off as cliched nonsense. I, myself, have been just the type of person that would say, "Sure, today could be my last, but it's probably not going to be so whatever." In the past, I would have heard those words -- "today could be your last" or "today could be the last day of someone you love" -- and I would have let them blow right by me.

I am starting to accept this more, this idea that life is short. Perhaps it is because I am getting older; perhaps it is because I'm getting wiser. For whatever reason, I feel like I can't seem to remind myself enough just how precious life is. There are so many things we all take for granted -- small things, big things, happy things, sad things. Like I said before, it's easy to forget the importance of everything. Every single moment matters and it is up to us make it count. When you are feeling angry or bitter or unhappy, think about a waiting room moment. Think about waiting for the outcome of results for someone you love. Think about who would be sitting there with you, holding your hand. Morbid as it might sound, moments like these really put life into perspective, and, difficult as it is to experience them, if we did it more often we might find that we have more perspective, more positivity, and more of a sense of presence in our lives. 

Put yourself in an imaginary waiting room and you will most certainly find you have a new perspective on whatever unpleasant situation you are in.Remember, every ending,there is a new beginning.There is another door to be treasured.

Salam Maal Hijrah

Confusion-me-myself

"Your mind knows only some things.
Your inner voice, your instinct, knows everything.
If you listen to what you know instinctively,
it will always lead you down the right path."

Henry Winkler

Some of us are just riding life out, going with the flow and seeing where it takes us. No matter what way you choose to view or act on your life's path, you do have one. We all do. The question then becomes not whether we have a path, but whether or not we like our path. To be honest, I go back and forth on the issue. One day I feel like my life is going just as it should, that I'm treading nicely along a path that makes me happy and fills my life with positivity. The next day I can be unsure, uncertain about whether or not I'm living the best life I could be living. I'll find myself asking, "Are there things I could change? Are there things I want to change? What would my ideal life path be? Did I choose the right path? What if I screw along the way?" Some days I find myself wondering if I'm on the right path.

I'm coming to the realization that I'm always on the right path, no matter what's happening in my life. Whatever's happening is supposed to happen. Whatever path I'm heading down is the path I'm supposed to be on. Of course it's not always that easy to believe this (especially when things in your life are less than ideal), but, really, what sense does it make not to?My fear is all over when comes to a right decision to make for myself.

For someone who easily jumps to a critical conclusion, it's not all that easy for me to accept that, no matter what I do, I'm doing the right thing. How can I really know that? How can I know that I'm not, right now, making some horrible mistake? I guess, when it comes down to it, there's no way to know. I have to just sit back, do what I do, and accept that my life is unfolding as it should.

 There's no way that it could be unfolding any other way. What is happening is what's supposed to happen. If it weren't supposed to happen, it wouldn't be happening. Does that make sense? Yeah, it's hard for me to grasp sometimes, but, deep down, I believe there's a truth in that. Does knowing this truth make it easier for me to love and accept the path I'm on in life? Yes and no. Part of me really does realize that everything is happening as it should and I have to keep going on doing what I believe I should be doing. The other part of me rebels and demands that I seize control, make changes, and move my life down a path that is ideal for me (but, then, what really is ideal? how do I know it would be ideal?).


On the other hand,I am all excited for my year end trip.It took me a while to decide and book which involves some of my savings and to convince parents.Hoping it will be smooth sailing.It has been a while since I came back for good.Hint-a winter wonderland!

Relationship

Last September I found myself in a place of vague contentment. I was living a much happier life, making much more positive choices, and adjusting to the notion that I could, in fact, live in the present moment. I was on the road to getting better, living better, and it was then that I learned a lesson many who have come before me have experienced and written about time and time again: when you're not looking, when you're least expecting it, love will strike like a lightening bolt into your life, illuminating everything you value and casting darkness on all things you need not worry about.

For some, love comes in quietly, like a gentle summer rain, arriving slowly drop-by-drop. For others -- for me -- it came in with a booming presence, announcing itself loudly, violently. Like a crash of thunder in the middle of a deep sleep, it woke me and I was suddenly sitting upright in my bed, looking wide-eyed all around me, and thinking, "What was that?!"

I'm fortunate to have some pretty amazing love in my life and it's something I don't, for a second, take for granted. Not everyone is as lucky as I have been when it comes to love and I truly value the time and energy spent on developing a truly loving relationship. Alhamdulillah. 

Stars falling

I think that the stars would have waited for us
Hanging onto the night, watching down below
Until we were hand in hand, together waiting for them
So when I open my eyes, I saw it too
Stars falling down, when I fell for you

I love you, I love you
I love you, I love you, I do

I think that the clouds like the laughter around us
Wanting to feel the warmth, they're softly sinking down
Until they cover the streets just like a dreamland
And right above us, they part so that I see through
Stars falling down, and I fall for you

I love you, I love you

"Stars Falling Down"
Kina Grannis 

You-Me-Our story

Life is strange, isn't it? It's so hard to explain what it is, what the point of it is, but there are some really amazing things in it, aren't there? What if your purpose was just to enjoy life, to take it all in, to live every moment as if it were your last? What if you were put on this earth only to enjoy and love everything (good and bad) about the world? Life is odd but it's also beautiful. Even pain, sadness, and desperation are beautiful in their own ways. When I take a step back and look at life as a beautiful, amazing thing, it puts my small life in perspective. It reminds me that whatever my purpose is is part of a collective purpose, a universal state of living that we are all experiencing. Thinking about it this way makes my purpose -- whatever that might be -- seem more grand and, in an odd way, more worthwhile.

I remember I spend countless hours thinking about what could happen in the future and preparing for the worst, I tell myself, just so I'm not disappointed or surprised. When I think back on all the scenarios I've imagined, it's shocking how many of those have never happened. Though I stressed and worried and thought about them (just as if they were really happening), they never occurred. These "thought attacks" were happening in real life, while these imagined scenarios were only occurring in my mind. But who are we to question what Allah has written for us?Never before I have thought about happiness after what I've gone through.I spend all of my time talking about the negative things and try to get rid of it.

But not anymore,

When I think that my life is unfolding just as it should, that nothing is a mistake, and that everything is happening for a reason, I find that I'm much more at peace with myself and the world. If I love my life as it is now, I don't have to revisit the past and I don't have to wait hopefully for the future. I can be here, now, happy. Of course I don't do this all of the time (I wish I could!) but when I find myself really loving the way my life is, not wanting to change a thing about it, I am at my happiest. And things happened really quick.

I was overjoyed when I read the title "Happiness Doesn't Just Happen." Wow. That sounds like something that could be the story of my life in four words! Happiness doesn't just happen -- at least not for most people. Happiness is something you have to work at, work towards, and keep working on. For some people, happiness comes with ease.

As for me, it's so wonderful to know that every day I can choose to be happy.Although,I spent 2 years to really find my happiness :)

Perfect life

Sound simple? Yeah, not so much if you're slightly neurotic perfectionist like myself. I like perfect things. I like perfect outfits. I like perfect hand-writing. I like perfect (not necessarily happy) endings like relationship. I like perfect tasks at work. I like doing things well -- the best, if possible. I'm not overly competitive with others, but I'm pretty damn competitive with myself. I want to do the best I can when I've decided to commit myself to something. I want, if at all possible,perfection.

 Perfection is not possible in the grand scheme of life. No matter how wonderful, happy, or peaceful your life is, it's never going to be perfect. N-E-V-E-R. As a perfection-seeker, this a hard concept for me to grasp. My life will never be perfect? My dreams,my desire!! I have to admit that my heart skips a beat when I think about that. We all want a perfect life right? The question is...do we all accept the fact that we can't have one? I think I'm still working on making sense of this reality.We never can satisfy ourselves.NEVER.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Even the most horrific, awful things in my life have taught me something, have made me the person I am today. It's not easy to remember this when dealing with a crisis or heartbreak, but it's so important to remember that life is what it is. Some things are out of our control and we just have to realize that someday the reason for what happens will be explained. I do my best to learn from every mistake, every bad situation, and all of these little lessons have added up to make me the person I am right now. I live now without NO FEAR to accept certain things are not meant to be PERFECT.

hope

"The Invitation"

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.

I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have becomeshriveled and closed from the fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with your pain -- mine or ours --without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy -- mine or ours --and if you can dance with the wildness and let the ecstasyfill you to the tips of your fingertips and toes without cautioning usto be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

Life is far from perfect (and how boring it would be if it were perfect!), but it's stable and sane and happy. I wake up and I know why I'm here, what I'm doing, and how lucky I am to have the people in my life supporting and love me more than I do. I wake up and feel happy although I have gone through lot of things.My journey wasn't smooth. But I had to make an effort (a BIG effort) to change myself and until I found the meaning of true happiness I have been waiting for..After all I need to be happy for entire life.Probably some of the best things that happened in my life because I least expect.The amazing feelings to wake up knowing the fact everything was perfectly presented. Alhamdulillah.

Take it slow .....

 I carried tons of history, much of it negative, from my childhood's memories, the experiences and my own shocks and disappointments in life.We all had our past saved in our journal..Letting go of the past can be really hard especially when it hurts.

Focusing on the present moment is something I struggle with on a daily basis. Hard as I try, much as I know it's so much better to live in the now, I struggle with finding the present moment among my constantly racing thoughts. Whether it's the already-happened past creeping back into my mind or the who-knows-if-it-will-happen future taking hold of my thoughts, more often than not I find myself living somewhere other than the present moment. And, of course, that's not what I want to be doing. 

Looking backward has always been a fault of mine . I wanted to and still want to stop focusing on the past. Whether it's a past relationship, a family issue from the past, or a mistake I made years ago, thoughts of days gone by often seem to find their way into my mind, clearly hindering my ability to live fully in the present moment. Like most people, thoughts of the past impact my present and not often in a positive way. 

Pursuant to my previous post on falling in love, I wonder if I'm strange. I love looking at ordinary things and making it into a complex world full of magic and beauty. The thought of creating worlds fascinate me; it's like exploring someplace which you will never get the chance to go to in reality.But my fear of giving in and falling in love again its like urghhhh-will i get hurt and go through another phase of broken heart again?

Winding your way through life's relationships and managing to have successful interactions with the ones you love is no easy feat.Communications is the most crucial tool especially dealing with distance.Here's a 4 phases of love by Julie which I would like to share :-

Julie's Four Phases of Love

 

• Object-Fantasy.  In the first phase, we project ourselves, our needs, and our past onto a stranger. Then, we become committed to making sure that our fantasy comes true or that our worst fears don’t. Because this phase triggers so many issues, intensified by anxieties and hormones, it is often difficult for people to differentiate between what’s real and what isn’t. “In romantic relationships, this phase can easily trick you,” Orlov cautions.

• Self-Discovery.  In phase two, we begin to see the other person for who he truly is, and react to his less than perfect behavior. We also begin to reveal our true selves. Fantasies are lost, disappointments surface, and the real work of relationships begins. As Orlov demonstrates, this phase offers opportunities for realistic self-assessment—of our beliefs and expectations, our vulnerabilities, and our biases and lack of tolerance—and for practicing empathy and compassion.         

• Personal Transformation.  In phase three, we fully accept our significant other for who she truly is, without manipulating her opinions, choices, or convictions. We also take full responsibility for our own feelings, thoughts, and actions, without blaming our better half for the worst outcomes. This phase, as Orlov stresses, demands an ongoing commitment to self-reflection, self-control, integrity, and honest communication. The payoff? “Experiencing deep and profound love becomes possible,” Orlov declares.                            

• Relational Transformation.  In the fourth and ultimate phase, the relationship goes beyond simply meeting the needs of both individuals. The relationship takes on a life and meaning of its own, affecting other people in the couple’s lives, family, and community. “A shared purpose and vision emerges,” Orlov attests. “Each person in the relationship supports each other in working toward that purpose. Each person lives into the vision.”             

28 as it is

I have never been more excited. 

It has been so outrageously insane over the past one month, all because an incredible birthday and fasting month . There was absolutely no way I could ask for this year. Alhamdulillah.

 July was just out of control! It was by far the best month of my life.2 years to big 3,I am 28! celebrated birthday on fasting month was amazing.Thanks to the most wonderful parents for the card and gift,beautiful friends & supportive colleagues for the surprises and gift.I couldn't name all as the list goes on and on.

As I settled down to review those moments , I was flooded with a rush of warm memories from the past 12 months. So much has happened -- it's been one of those "big" years -- and I feel content with where I am in my life. I have a lot to be proud of and a lot to be excited for -- and what could be better than that? As I contemplated the wish list I had for last year, I realized how thankful I was to have it. I was grateful that I'd taken the time to think about the things I wanted over the year (a year-long vision board of sorts) and I was also grateful that I now had something I could reflect on as I recalled the year I was 27.

Though I didn't cross everything off of my list, I'm pretty proud of how I've spent the last 365 days. Most of the things I wanted to do, I accomplished.Alhamdulillah for the wonderful journey.Much to my surprise, I spend way more time thinking HOW BIG 3 will look alike.What will happen in another 2 years time down the road?

Anyway,Eid Mubarak is just around the corner.I am pretty much excited to celebrate this eid.Therefore,to all muslims out there,I would like to wish each of everyone,Selamat Hari Raya,Maaf Zahir & Batin.May this Eid brings more joy and save journey back to your hometown!