Life as it is..

I could spend my days wallowing in regret, wishing I could go back and change some of the mistakes I'd made while driving. I remember the past in bits and pieces, as most of us probably do. It's never a clear cut, exact memory. I remember what I want to and I know this. But I have a hard time, especially these days, understanding that life I used to live. It has been 11 months since I changed my appearance. A tremendous change to be a better person from a mini skirts kinda girl to a girl with a hijab. Although its hard at the beginning stage especially to fit into a scarf while playing futsal, to match with my everyday attire and to exercise as a real muslimah (which still force myself to stop especially on my old habit), I found myself accepting who I am now. A 29-year-old girl who still juggling with her career and enjoying her single life activities (even the pressure still on). 

Over the past few weeks, I have been occupied with things I enjoy most and started to like my new job day by day. I am so grateful for the opportunity given on plate although the experience of reading economy in front of everybody scared to death. I shivered during my first talk and to be honest, I feel like throwing out because Im just scared people will ask me beyond my facts. Pheww.Facing my fear wasn't easy by any means but being brave was incredibly rewarding. The best lesson I learned by far was how amazing it felt to actually do something I was afraid of doing. Even though my palms were still sweating and my heart was still pounding after that talk.

Anyway, couple of days ago, I experienced strange thing ever happen in my entire life. I almost collapsed at the toilet after had a horrible food poisoning at 3 am in the morning. I was dehydrated and dad had to rush me to hospital. MasyaAllah. I was scared thinking of death. What if I can't live any longer? It keep me thinking until now.A little reminder to myself that life is too short and be prepared..

Love, Rosie

For years and years I've been reading Cecilia Ahern's collections. Well not because she's an irish writer and I'm bias. It's just I enjoy her books so much. Anyway, the movie was adapted from one of her collection called where rainbows end.. Similar to PS I love you, well, I must admit, I suck at it. I cried reading her book and yesterday I cried a bucket after the movie. It was about two childhood sweethearts who spend the best part of 12 years of friendship but not becoming a boyfriend-girlfriend item but deep inside they fall in love with each other. Was it merely to my love story? Sort of, but this love story ended beautifully as they reunite after all, while mine obviously not.. 

This time I thought to myself, letting go of the past can be difficult, but in order to respect who you are now, you must let go of who you were then. Do whatever you can to forgive yourself for mistakes you've made. We've all made them it's part of life but those who respect themselves know how to let those mistakes go. You can never go back; you can only take what's happened and move positively forward. Forgive and Forget.Forgiveness can be tough sometimes, especially if you've been hurt badly. But caring around that hurt and anger only makes it more difficult.No matter what wrong has been committed against you, forgiving is always better than clinging to the pain. 

Every ending, there is a new beginning. You only live once, therefore, appreciate what you have now and cherish every moment. Let go of the grudge, move on.Salam Maal Hijrah. Anyway, couple of days ago, after one year, the 3 stooges meet up again. We had long chat especially one of us, Miera is getting married anytime soon. Yay! So happy to know this gym junkie finally settling down leaving me and Liyana. Here's a picture of us.11 years of friendship of course since Uitm days.. Ah memories! Have a good weekend everyone. I am so nervous to talk about economy tomorrow in front of everybody.So jittery!lol.

Age and ageing. LOL

Surrounded by stress, a lot of things  even the good things  can turn sour. When your mind is clouded with stress, a gray film of discontent can cover every aspect of your life. I love what I am doing now,no more stress calls, no more reminders to check on business growth and no more writing CAMS but I was completely drained.I became emotional, and physical energy was used up for nothing. I have no idea why?What went wrong? Does work take up so much of my energy?No, I don't think so.It just I am now struggling on how to understand and digest my new job description. So, what in the world is happening. Then i realized that my "best friend" is coming next week. PMS is knocking me. I found myself less energetic and too emotional. HAHAHAHA. 

drama.

Waiting...

“You don’t have the power to make life 'fair,'
 but you do have the power to make life joyful.”

-Jonathan Lockwood Huie-

Waiting, for me, has always been a problem. Like so many people, I have tended to think in terms of someday. I've spent a great deal of time waiting for something to happen and, for that reason, over the past few years I've been striving to live a more present life. Waiting, I discovered, didn't do much for me. For 3 years after my bad break up, I was waiting for someone who can fill my emptiness .However, I ended up with a wrong relationships except for the last one, the break up was mainly because of the distance.I know, it seems predictably ironic to talk about relationships at this juncture where at this age I supposed  to have husband and kids to spend time with after working hours.

How old are you right now? Your age is how many years you’ve been thinking the way you do. So its pretty hard  to start everything all over again when you are turning big 3 next year.As I was sitting on the couch, reading my note book after my jogging session last night, I kept reaching for my pen, underlining and underlining what is my achievement , passions and what am I going to achieve before turning 30 next year. Lately, I've been having some pretty good work days. I've been loving my new job and I'm so happy to be where I am now. However, that doesn't mean I don't remember the days when I was struggling to make it through the day.I know some days can be a really big struggle.

When I first heard Ben Harper's "One Road to Freedom," it got me thinking about what my road to freedom is. What is it that sets me free? What makes me feel as if I can cope with all the ups and downs of life? The more I contemplated the lyrics, the more I realized that what sets me free is what I'm passionate about. How long more should I wait for someone to fit in? Only God knows. So why in the world i must wait? Why don't I pursue my passion?

Passions aren't always easy. We may feel strongly about something, love it with all of our might, but that doesn't mean it's going to come easily to us. Some of the very best things in life take a lot of hard work and dedication. Some of the very best things in life requiring being brave and pushing ourselves beyond boundaries. For me, my passion is playing futsal. Futsal has been one of my list of activities but somehow, I didn't pursue it well except before the yearly Inter-bank tournament.

Just as nothing great was ever accomplished without passion, nothing great was ever accomplished without hard work. If you love something, you have to work at it. You have to do it as frequently as you can. It has been three month since fasting month my schedule is pack with futsal match.I am pretty much occupied every week with friendly match. I get to meet people, I get to sweat and the obvious thing is, I have improved my skills.

Sometimes when people are passionate about something, they become so focused that they lose sight of the fun.  Therefore, make it enjoyable. I become too focused and forget what it was that really inspired me in the first place.  Perhaps because I am tired to go on date and start a new relationship all over again, I lost my interest on getting to know people. Hahaha ;P

What sets each of us free is the one thing that motivates you to keep going, that thing you've been passionate about forever and don't ever see yourself getting tired of. I have discovered myself loving what I am pursuing right now. I don't feel sad anymore wondering what is my next relationship episodes. I am still living in present and normal life. I still enjoy my coffee and go on date with my friends. It's just I don't wait anymore. I just want to travel and be happy.

Everyday is a brand new day!

Over the past 3 weeks , starting my new job has changed me a lot, mostly because I was fortunate enough to be in the Fixed Income team as an analyst. It's the whole brand new thing. One of the best decision I have made to start and learn something new which I am not familiar with, which is BONDS. What is US Treasuries, why is has got to do with Malaysian bonds, what is price movement, what is happening with US,G8 and Asia Pacific and why is bonds been traded sideways/sidelines and what in the world is CPI,IPI.

It's really pressuring me because i have zero knowledge on these.

I've found myself facing the unknown a lot.It's not easy to really sit down and understand the whole thing in a week or a month. I've really been looking around, bothering my seniors to teach me, trying to understand why everything is all related and some are not. Juggling with economic jargons, trying to create one paragraph took me ages as writing or commenting on bonds is not like writing a credit paper for business sake. It's a huge different. 

There is no way for me to accurately put into words how my new job looks like. Though It was so much harder than I thought it would be, which threw me off at first, turned out, I am enjoying and loving my new job. My two seniors have been helping me a lot and my boss is teaching me from scratch. And my new best friend is  Bloomberg fyi. Hahaha ;p

Although I didn't feel good for the entire day when I did minor mistakes on my daily outlook for internal circulation, a bit frustration on how I perform my job, was tired and a little run-down from getting less sleep because I was worried my internal circulation will be late, I felt supremely good for the past three weeks. Everyday I learn new thing. Everyday is a brand new day to stay positive. Everyday I look forward to learn and don't give up easily. 

Did I regret to divert and change what I have been doing for the past 4 years? The answer is NO.We all have to face embarrassing moments and feel stupid every once and awhile. Sure, it sucks. But you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on. Work extra harder."The grass is always greener on the other side." We often want what others have because we think, for whatever reason, we think we will be happier if we have it. Therefore, I took this challenge and I believe opportunity comes once. I take pride on what I am doing.Change is possible, you just have to go out and get it. Will share more in future!

 View from my new office's balcony 

and few pictures from my weekend activity

Farewell

As difficult as break-ups are, the same thing when you are leaving your job especially if you've been part of the team for four year. Its hard. I am incredibly grateful to work with each of everyone in the Bank. The experiences and the knowledge i gained was so valuable.Very valuable. I was so fortunate to be in the Corporate Banking division and got to expose to corporate world..Being in the second smallest local bank in Malaysia, I valued my treasure in the small bank and to be honest, Relationship Manager's  job is not easy.I have to struggle and juggle with two things in one time. I never felt demotivated and one thing I learned is , never give up and go get the things done.Those thing made who I am today.

But life has to move on. Quoted from my Executive Director Banking who replied my text telling him I am leaving, I believed the opportunity working with him and the rest of management level were the best thing throughout my 4 years of service. I remember when I first entered his room ( i was still a junior back then), the amount of fear was grrrr. I was so scared to see him discussing about my paper. And I still remember entering his room handing over my resignation letter. It was a shocked not just him but all my bosses and corporate clients. 4 years, I am honoured to be recognised.

 Basically, I am just moving to the new organisation which is still a bank and not too distance from the current Bank. I am going to miss everyone in the Bank from the lower level ( they have been supporting me since day 1) to the higher level. They inspired me.

To a new beginning, insyaAllah. I hope to gain more and more knowledge.

Few pictures from my farewell dinner.

Am I Wrong - Nico & Vinz (Kina Grannis Cover)

fate & destiny

For decades I've questioned of fate and destiny. 29 years of living,this is the most equivocal philosophical questions. Is everything that is happening now or will ever happen, predetermined? 

In Quran verses quoted ;

"Say: Allah!Owner of sovereignty, You bestow sovereignty on whomever you will and you withdraw from whoever you will. In your hand is all that is good. No doubt you have power to do everything" ( Surah Ali Imran 3:26).

We are fully aware and understand that God does have knowledge and power over all thing. He knows what will happen to us before we do. He knows that the outcome of all our decisions. He has stated that in the Quran that everything will happen throughout all creation was already written. 

For millions of times, things that I had planned to do and hoped have been disrupted. I personally have benefited in believing this decree. I have found that my true inner peace is by submitting to God, living this life for Him, remembering Him and loving Him more than I love a human. I have believed that praying to God for guidance when making decisions (Istiqarah) and leave the outcome to God have benefited me. I got all the answers I asked for. 

In full belief of my destiny and trust in God and His wonderful and mysterious ways, this journey of life He has created and made for me have been amazing. I told myself that I am blessed to be comforted by the fact to have tried and prayed for the best but God has better plans for me. Whatever had happened in my past and trials were only for my spiritual growth to accept that is my fate and destiny. 

So yesterday, when my friends and I had this conversation on "jodoh", we came to a conclusion that we can fall in love with anyone in this world but only Allah can determine and makes the path towards it easy for us. And if the intention is purely for Allah's sake, everything will be smooth sailing. Nothing happens except by Allah's will. We are only able to do what He has allows us to do and according to His wishes. Therefore, isn't it by submitting your life to Allah and leave it to Him for the "jodoh" will be much easier rather than finding the perfect shoes to fit in? 

InsyaAllah. 

John Tyree - All I Ever Wanted

Forgive and Forget

It's hard to let go of people, of things, of emotions. It's hard to let go when you know you have to. It's hard to let go when you don't want to. I find that some people are better at letting go of some things than others.It's okay to have a hard time letting go. Whether it's things, people, or thoughts, it's difficult to give up something that you once thought as yours. Just like happiness, getting rid of things you don't need in your life is a choice. You don't usually get forced into it. It takes time and sooner or later, you will definitely get over it and move on with your life. Learn to forgive and forget the your past. InsyaAllah you will be happy!

Eid Mubarak everyone! 

Twenty-Nine

 Personally, the older I get and the more I learn about life and myself, the more confident I feel and the less I'm worried about what other people say/do/think. Yes, to some extent I care especially when people start to question when will I end my single hood, but I try to focus on the opinions, words, and actions of those who have a positive effect on my life and worry little about those who bring negativity into my life.  Hahaha. Ironic. Officially 29 on 16 July 2014.

Being 29...,

I've been blessed with some great, loyal, wonderful friends. Thank you for being such a sweetheart  and supportive. Thank you for the surprise birthday celebrations and gifts/notes/ cards.Though I'm not entirely enjoying being 29 , I would love to thank each of my amazing friends who never missed to make me happy when it comes to my birthday.  

I am growing, changing, morphing into a much better, happier, more open person who really does her best to live in the present moment. For those of you who know me, you know this isn't always me. I'm not always happy and I'm not always in the moment. But every single day I am getting better, happier. Alhamdulillah. I believe this blog potrayed how vulnerable I used to be especially when comes to a love relationship.

 I feel like I've grown so much to be more patience. I went through a pretty rough time in my life.It's been extremely difficult for me not to look back and to analyze the past. But Allah has given me a strength to move forward. So many things have changed in a year since my last birthday in 2013. 

 The greatest lesson I learned over the past year is, you have a choice. Choice to choose your own happiness. So here I am, embracing my final twenties before turning 30 next year. Looking forward for a good one this year.

Love,

12th July 2014

Over a year ago at this date, I remember receiving my first promotion letter from my former Director Business Banking who is now an Executive Director Banking. The excitement of receiving perfect gift a week before my birthday was the best thing ever during fasting month. And that night, I decided to perform terawikh at Putrajaya Mosque and drove all the way from home. 

To be completely honest, on that night itself, I prayed to God to grant me a soulmate. A guy who will loves me like my parent do, who always bear with my emotions and always there when I need a shoulder to cry. Ah we all want it. A perfect relationship. Finding a new hope in a relationship.

And much to my surprise, the next day after subuh prayer, a guy who was drifted apart from my life for almost 2 years called confronted his feeling. It was an amazing feeling and I thought that was it. My dua' was answered. So I gently open my heart and start a new chapter in life (relationship).  Everything was filled with beautiful things.It's like a fairytale.

A man who has an ability to truly savor all of the beautiful things life has to offer. He is the man I couldn't imagine existed and who I have been fortunate to know and admire.I don’t have to be superwoman around him. I can be the goofy, silly, crazy, weird, screwed and crippled and he still can bear with me.

But the challenge was only LDR. Happiness takes effort and, what some people might not realize, is it also takes courage. It's not easy to be in a long distance relationship. I had once and it jeopardised after more than 8 years together. Therefore, I tried not to look at the world through a negative lens. I tried to only see positive in LDR but Allah has his own plan for us. Things didn't work out for us. Distance and commitments.it was the hardest thing to say goodbye because there was so much hope.

It's been a life-changing experience in this LDR. I wonder why life send you these people who steal your heart in an instant, only to let them disappear shortly after. But one thing I learnt from this, is when I asked Allah to grant me a guy who makes me happy for entire life, He gave me a guy who made me laugh and smile besides helping me to eliminate my past moving forward to a better future.. It was an incredible experience and journey although it was a little while.

Sometimes...

You speak out all you feel is defiance
All you need is some self-reliance
Cause this world is gonna always try us
And all you wanted was to run for cover
Well here's looking to yourself and no other
We're all searching for that special something
And we keep on running

We all have the choice to take the lead or follow
I want to feel the light shine on me

You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay cause you're only human
You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay you'll soon get strong enough
You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay cause you're only human
You're so afraid of what people might say
You're going to break
So please don't do it

You wanna spread your wings but you're not sure
Don't wanna leave your comforts
Wanna find a cure
We're afraid of who we see in the mirror
We wanna let go but it feels too pure
Who wants to be alone in this world
You look around and all you see is hurt
But the light it always finds us
If we move with a little trust

A diamond don't define what shine is
I don't need a Rolex to know what the time is
You got your let me find what mine is
I'm a survivor look how strong my mind is
I stand on my own it's all me
Regardless of whatever they call me

425 days

I sort of rush through life, doing things that make me happy, doing things that make other people happy, and I don't always think about what it is that I really, truly want. In ten days, I'll be entering the last year of my twenties. In ten days, I'll be only 365 days away from the big three. three zero yo!

As I settled down to review the 28 Things to Do Before I Turn 29 list, I was flooded with a rush of warm memories from the past 12 months. So much has happened ,it's been one of those "dramatic" years and I feel content with where I am in my life with an amazing parent,friends and career. I have a lot to be proud of and a lot to be excited for. Of course the most saddest part this year was another heart broken episode.Tough times are a part of life. We all go through it. Every day I feel myself is accepting the fact that I can't rely my happiness with only love-relationship.

Life is unpredictable. It's not easy to remember this when dealing with a crisis or heartbreak, but it's so important to remember that life is what it is. Some things are out of our control and we just have to realize that someday the reason for what happens will be explained. I do my best to learn from every mistake, every bad situation, and all of these little lessons have added up to make me the person I am right now. Emotional wounds always heal with time.

Ramadhan Kareem

One of the most important aspects during ramadhan is always being grateful. The more thankful you are for the people, experiences, and things you have in your life, the easier it is to stay positive and cherish this moment especially in this ramadhan month. I would like to wish all muslims, happy fasting and don't forget to do a bit of exercise to keep fit! Likewise, this year my routine will be the same as last year except this year instead of gym during the short lunch, I will be joining tadarus with my fellow colleagues. May Allah bless all of us with good physical and mental health and grant all our doa. InsyaAllah.

Sincerely,

Me

Happy Sunday

I love that quote so much and think about it often when I am going thru hard times.  I also think about the struggles I have had in life and realize that whatever I am going thru or have gone thru, there is always someone else struggling alot more than me.  I have a wonderfully blessed life.  Blessed with wonderful parent and amazing bunch of friends who helped me a lot to go through again my heart break. Life has many bumps in the road and these are just a few that are in our path right now.

This week will be the last hoorah weekend to spend before Ramadhan starts. I am all excited to go for terawikh and break fast with those who matters most. Plus this year will be my second birthday celeb during the ramadhan month and my bestie who stays in San Francisco is coming back to celebrate with me again! So much of excitement to share in July..

Anyway, I finally tender my resignation two weeks ago after 4 years of service with the Bank.  It took a long time for me to get to the point where I was ready to submit my letter and leave my comfort zone. I have to explain to my two immediate bosses and also my executive director banking reasons for me to leave.It was tough for me to decline their offer to counter back.To be honest, I had no major issues with anyone in the Bank and enjoying my work so much. I love my job and people around me. Everything was smooth sailing and there were so many things I wanted to share in my next post on my current job.

I am so blissfully happy doing what I love now, what I feel inspired by, and those moments make every difficult task I have to conquer, every hour of stress and frustration, completely and entirely worth it. Even when it's hard, I'm spending my time doing what I love and that's something I love being a Relationship Manager in this Bank.

Its just after a while, I thought of switching my job scope from being in Corporate Banking to Treasury. Totally different from what I am doing now. From writing credit papers to writing and commenting on bonds market- well more on analysing market economy. In fact, I have to take two licenses in order for me to be in this line. Well it's time to move on to a better future with the new organisation this September. I can't wait to adapt and look forward to start my new job. InsyaAllah. Few pictures to share over the weekend. Paintball with my colleagues and get together with my girls! Happy Sunday!