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"I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you." 

Roy Croft

They say you won't get over someone until you find someone and something better.Empty space must be filled.The pain of emptiness is too strong for so long. After my bad break up in 2011, every single moment with an empty spot causes excruciating pain. I was in depression thinking how 8 years of relationship jeopardized and it didn't end up as much as I expected. I cried and struggled to live happily.Everyday I ran from distraction to distraction and from attachment to attachment.So letting go phase took me ages.

I was like a boat in the middle of the sea. The closer I got to shore, the stronger waves became and the harder it was to paddle in.The harder I found against it, the weaker I became until I finally just sat down in the boat, letting it drift once again away from the shore.I tried to move on by got into a relationships and it was disaster.I suffered all over again and again.

I've been doubting myself, allowing my mind to fill with vague and pointed questions like " Why do I have to go through all these again and again".I have found myself searching for something I can't have,cuddling up to my fears and pointing fingers to myself. What has gone wrong? Why? Everyday I pray for a better day filled with happiness. I was battling with myself to find something better,someone who loves me just they way my parents do.

So as I was recovering, searching my soul, let my boat drifting on its own and leave it to God during Ramadhan 2013, I was surprised with few things which was unexpected. The 1st week before my birthday, I got the most perfect gift for my 28th birthday which was my most-ever- wanted promotion.I got promoted and the promotion was signed by Director and CEO. Every moment that is good seems like a miracle. No words can describe my feelings that time when I received the letter. I believed God is fair in a way. He gave me the most precious gift to replace my sorrow for long time.

It was just the kick-in- the- ass I needed, the motivation reminding me that this struggles is not endless. So the relationship part was still not coming ( which that point of time) I am still hoping another miracle. But God knows every single thing. An old english proverb - " A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor". As I was still sailing my own boat, a person whom I never thought to appear again in my life after long time , reconnects.

Oddly enough, the memories came rushing back. When we got back again, we were reconnected with parts of our friendship which we have forgotten about. Just like anything, if you don't do something for a long time, it will seem new again the next time you do it, which makes it exciting. There's a glow to everything, a sparkling happiness that makes even the most unfortunate of situations seem bearable.

Love, I believe, is limitless. It's not as if you have a ration of love and you have to dole it out carefully. You can love yourself as much as you want while still having plenty of love to go around. You can wake up every day and love yourself as much as you possibly can and still love all of the people around you. That's the amazing thing about love!

" It's something that happens. I know my old friend is reading it now ( Hahaha ;p).Here's a song I dedicate to you for being an amazing best friend to me now. Thank you for making everyday the best day of my life" . 

purpose of life...

For most people interested in personal development, the question of life's purpose is often on their minds. There are so many answers, but that one question always remains. 

Like many people, I'm often waiting for some perfect time in the future to do the things I could very well be doing now. Even when I desperately want something , I have a hard time getting to work on it right now because the timing doesn't seem right...or I'm in ' denial "...or I'm not ready to let go my shorts and dresses... There is always another "or," another reason why I can't start working on it which is to "hijrah".

This is a very interesting one for me because for so long I felt like I didn't want to be responsible for my life and aurat. I wanted people look at me; I wanted people to praise my beauty and my attire & hair.I couldn't let go my shorts and dresses.I enjoy sports and shorts is my main attire.Being a corporate banker, I always think that I have to look good.

But at one point...,

the older I get and the more I know, the more I want to take control of my life and be responsible for it. Not only do I want to be accountable for my actions, but I also want to be accountable for the repercussions of my actions. 

I decided to change. To change for the sake of Allah SWT. 

I want to know that what I'm doing is the right thing, that I'm not acting out of selfishness . When I think about how much responsibility we all have (whether we want to admit it or not!), I realize that this is really one of the purposes of life. I am -- we all are -- meant to be responsible for our lives and even though it's hard for some to get to a place of responsibility, I do think that autonomy and accountability is something we all inevitably seek.

I believe everyone has a different purpose, some of which overlap and some of which don't. Sometimes it's hard to understand the purpose of others, but there is a purpose for everyone and everything. Writing this post has really made me think about what I consider my personal purpose to be. The purpose of one's life is likely to change and trust me, it feels so good now.

Amsterdam it is

When you're having fun, you're in the moment. You're focused not on what's next, but on what's now. The more fun you're having, the more present you'll be because you're not longing to move on to the next task or event. Making things fun isn't always easy, but having fun makes it easy to stay in the moment. 

Amsterdam was never in my list place to go before I die.AHAH. Probably because I only have certain places to go and back then, I only picked for cheaper flight tickets offered by Ryanair. Of course places like Paris and Venice are reserved for my honeymoon. Argh cliche it is..!!

So, my 3 days 2 nights was well spent in Amsterdam. The weather was not freezing as I expected.It was still bearable. I had wonderful time although I didn't spend on shopping.I went on cafe' hopping ( of course not coffee shop which sells weed). 

On a more personal note, spend more time taking pictures and cherish the moment wherever you go to capture and store in your scrapbook- 365 days of 2014.

Coffee and laugh

Though I hate to admit it now, I used to be the kind of person that would wake from sleep crying. I was sad and even my subconscious knew it.But not anymore after I came back from my long vacation.It feels so good to be back with happy heart.

As anyone who has had hardship or heartache in his or her life knows, it's not always that easy to get to a place where you're waking up laughing instead of crying. Emotions are complex things and you cannot force yourself to feel a certain emotion if you really don't want to feel it (and trying to do this really only masks the pain...) so it's important to realize that it's okay to cry. 

It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel pain. What's not okay is dwelling on it. There really is -- if you really think about it -- no point in dragging out the sad and mad and unhappy emotions. The only person you're hurting when you do this is you, and I'm sure that's not what you want.

Believe me, I know this is so much easier said than done.You deserve to be happy -- no matter what's going on in your life -- and you deserve to laugh. No matter what tough time you're going through, resisting laughter isn't going to help you out. At one point, I always ask myself " why am I being so pathetic where there is wonderful world out there to embrace".

I would never have believed that it would be possible for someone like me to wake up feeling the utter joy that comes with laughing, but here I am, sitting here and writing about it now,sharing my joy waking up with happy heart and waking up to feel the love.

"One’s destination is never a place,
but a new way of seeing things.”

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The world is filled with great people, some of which will be right for you at certain times in your life, but I've learned that one of the most important things to know about love is that the right person for you is the one who makes you better. 

Traveling and fall in love...

While collecting my moments for 365 days, I didn't think too much about it. My focus wasn't on what I was getting from writing down these little moments, but instead on simply celebrating the moments and feeling joyful as I wrote them down and stored them. 

2013 was filled with incredible highs and devastating lows. But, in all it's ups and downs, one thing it's been for sure is life-affirming. It reminded me how valuable and fleeting every moment is, and how important it is not to let the good moments slip away.

When I thought back on the year, as I often do at year's end, I considered it to be a pretty good year. But when I looked through all of my notes, unfolding all of those little moments of joy, I was overwhelmed by how many great things had happened in just 365 days—many of which I'd forgotten all about.

On January 1, 2014, I would never have imagined this year would turn out the way it did. It's pretty amazing how much can change in just 12 little months, isn't it? So my 18 days of traveling (23rd Dec'13 to 8th Jan'14)  was absolutely amazing.Went to few places which I never been to (Bath, Bristol and Amsterdam).But the most important thing is I had the best time of my life.

I fall in love and keep on falling.Will update more on that in my next post.Till then. Happy New Year love :)