Hello there

 It has been a while since I pencil down my thought… and nearly three years since mom passing. So many things happened and everyday is a struggle without her. Anyway my boy is 7 this year which makes me older and turning big four in one year time.. 

Writing more soon xxx😀😞

Son-shine

Due to the new task as a mum, I spend a lot of time focusing on my little man who turned 8 months few days ago . Alhamdulillah. Time really flies. 

Parenting looks incredibly hard, and no matter how much research you do, no matter how many parenting books you read or courses you take, a lot of the time you're going to have to just learn it as you're experiencing it. It seems like one of those things that, no matter how much you prepare, you're still going to be learning all the time. 

For the past 8 months, I've been strapped in tight on an emotional rollercoaster (i haven't lose so much weight -in other words i am fat and juggling with work life +mum life), soaring up and whizzing down and then climbing back up again. To be honest, being a mum is really amazing but of course its really tiring especially dealing with sleepless nights, tonnes of crying, chasing your little man around since he starts to crawl and move around the house like nobody's business. Geez. 

As a new parent, it probably seems, at times, like you don't know what you're doing. But, just like any other super important job, no matter how prepared you are, you're still going to learn as you go along because you're dealing with a brand new and fragile angel or "anak syurga"

Something I would have not imagined after I gave birth to my little man 8 months ago. Alhamdulillah. So grateful to have my parents taking care of him. Well taken care of.  Cant wait to plan for his 1st birthday this Sept.

My little man

Sorry this has taken me so long to post. I haven’t had a lot of time for long-format writing ever since I found out I was pregnant in January, exactly one month and a half after I got married. Found out I was 4 weeks pregnant two days before I left for my umrah trip with my husband and my parents. Alhamdulillah. It was really unexpected and I did play futsal that week (Honestly didn't know I was carrying my little one).

Right. So. 9 months being pregnant, I had the most terrible morning sickness ever but still gained almost 28kgs. For God sake, 28 kg gained is hell y'all. I was huge (perhaps now lessen gradually). My hormones changed 360 degrees. I became more grumpier than usual,hot tempered, emotionally disturbed(cried alot) and I had the "i hate my husband and i need my husband now"syndrome. Haha.

Labor! Not nearly so crappy as I expected, y’all. Turns out that all the anxiety, stress, and panic I lovingly tended beforehand were a huge waste of time and energy. Alhamdulillah. Allah has made it easy for me. .

I’ve always had an overwhelming fear of being pregnant and giving birth. For years, I got tunnel hearing whenever I thought about labor especially from my friends. The idea of an epidural was enough to make me put my head between my knees, and even the smell of a hospital made me faint. 

I’ve come to realize that labors are as individual as fingerprints, no two stories are ever the same. My story is a happy one.

Doctor induced me at 2pm on my 39 weeks of pregnancy and my water broke at 6.30pm(bowel time was from 2-6pm coz I had my last mcd after they induced me). At first, they anticipated that I will be wheeled to the labor room the next morning but turns out, it took total of 9hrs from the induction. 

So the drama began right after my water broke  and every 10 minutes I am dancing, lying and leaning on my husband's shoulder ( for millionth of times apologising my wrong doings to him and my parents). That's when you "insaf" and appreciate your mum. So ppl, pls love your mum. Its not an easy job carrying you for 9 months and giving birth.

The nurses wheeled me to the labor room at 7.30pm after my doctor checked that I am 5cm dilated. Contractions were starting to blot me out, and there’s very little break between them. I’m officially keening, and suddenly the idea of a needle in my spine sounds great. I want the epidural, I say. An hour later, anesthetic doctor knocked the door and brought the magic drug.

So yes, I took the epidural. Epidural was magical although the he gave me 80% of dose instead of 100%. I could feel the contraction on my back. My labor room was full with cheerleaders including my husband. Well to be honest, I remember there were 6 of them including my doctor (my gynae is my dad's friend anyway). During the battle, I vividly remember he said "push push je mcm you main futsal"

I was in labor for about two hours and gave birth 10.57PM. There was pain, but for the most part it was manageable (see aforementioned painkillers- epidural the bomb), and it was definitely overshadowed by the joy. The anxiety, the discomforts of pregnancy, the labor–for me, all of it was a fair trade. Babies are awesome. Especially my baby.  Very manja-ish. This was his first picture.

My little precious weight at 3.46kg with 49cm longer. cant define the feeling when the doctor placed him on my chest right after I gave birth. My first word that came out was "Hi sayang".  

Here i am writing as a mom.

So grateful to be given this opportunity. This is the biggest achievement for the year besides being promoted. Hehehe. Alhamdulillah. All praises to Allah. I have another 14 days before my pantang is over. Yayyyyy. I miss going to malls and coffee shops.For now, I am resting well for 90 good days before going back to office. I am still trying to fit into my new commitment as a mom, feeding him with my milk and formula milk as well as changing diapers. Thank God my mum is assisting me besides dad and  husband. 

My little man is 1 month old.Time flies, the next thing I know he is one year. Alhamdulillah for this amazing experience and achievement.

till my next post.

Everyday matters

One of the best things that happened in 2016 is to marry my best friend whom i knew since 2011.The old me would never, in a million years, have believed that was possible after went through a lot of heart breaks. Trust me, it was a tough journey to get me there. Will share on the wedding pictures and prep. For now, Happy new year peeps!It's exciting to look forward to the year ahead 2017. May Allah always be with us:)

A u-turn

Life is very much like the world under the big top filled with the unexpected, the exciting, and the terrifying part. It has been almost three weeks since I left my exciting job as a market economic analyst in one of biggest islamic bank. It's hard for me to tear myself away from the bloomberg, reuters and the dealing room itself after 1 year and 9 months. I had a great time being an analyst, get to expand my knowledge on economics, networking and helpful colleagues. In case my boss is reading this, Thank you very much for being a good listener, never failed to give me full support during my upside-down dealing with exams and the knowledge you had poured to me. I am so grateful:)

My emotions were all over the place , one moment I was thrilled to start my new job (well not so new to me), one moment I am just scared of what my future will look like.. Back to my old place, doing things I used to love. Yes I did. I made a u-turn to my old place. 

It can be tough to be proud of yourself without feeling as if you're boastful.. It's okay to admit that you did an amazing job on something or accomplished something you never thought you could. When you celebrate yourself and your achievements, you're focusing on the really good things about you and that's going to make self-love a lot easier. 

Happy 17th Ramadhan everyone! Cheers for a better future:)

Sharing Stories : 6 months to go.

So much of the attention cast on wedding preparations, I have lost an aunt whom I never-missed to hop and did sleep over whenever I am back at my kampung (Melaka hood) when I was little..  My Mak Lang Ros passed away around 3pm yesterday after battled with 4th stage of cancer. Sad. Life is too short.This Mak Lang of mine is my dad's closes cousin sister whom he grew up with and he never missed to pay her a visit everytime we are back in hometown. A person with a big heart.. Your kindness will always be remembered. Al- Fatihah to dearest Mak Lang Rosnah. I always wish you're papa's real sister. May Allah reward you Jannah..

Getting married - I don't know much about wedding dresses.  The dress should be one of the concern at the moment right. Hmmm 6 months to go before the wedding, I am still enjoying my breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper without worrying my weight which obviously I am overweight right now ;(. 

Sadly, my futsal activities didn't help me much to loose any of my fats.My imaginations  left soaring as my dream of the weddings to go with these picture-perfect gowns( definitely I must think of how to cover my aurat ).  Aside, I finally booked preetypekture for the wedding reception and still finalising the solemnisation videographer. Besides, i am done with the pre-wed courses (Kursus Kahwin). Phewww. A lot more to go and seriously all you need is more $$$$ moolahhhhh.

Hoping that I can get it sorted after Ramadhan which coming so soon... Honestly I can't wait for the Ramadhan to come. 

sharing stories: Engagement

When you're going through a tough time, usually the last thing you want to think about is the good time to come. When faced with unhappiness or negative emotions, it can be hard to see through the rain clouds to a time when sunshine will once again brighten your life. However, looking past those clouds to a brighter, better day is exactly what you need to do when times are tough. I used to be irritated by the notion that, when things are tough, they'll someday get better, but having been through some really tough storms and arriving in a place of sunshine, I know all too well how important focusing on the positive can be.Life is an adventure full of ups and downs. You will never get rid of negativity altogether, so you might as well accept it and use those challenges to grow.

 It's almost a month I am engaged. 

 Part of panicking to prepare and plan for the unplanned engagement took me less than 3 weeks. Phew.. The amount of stress amid preparing for my battle in exams in April was so tiring. Alhamdulillah, the event went well with the assistance from my mum and dad, dearest cousins and dear friends.( Special thanks to my best friend, Liyana for the arrangement, Hazlind for being my partner in crime, Shahirahtunnawar for the company and Sabrina for being planner)

Venue & Caterer: The Atmosphere, Seri Kembangan (Weddingstudio)

Make Up: Norashikin MUA

Dress & Veil: Mimpikita

Dais & Flowers Arrangement : Muassmo

Photographer : Sahabatlensa Photographer & Azizul

Candy Buffet : Norzila -cousin

He puts ring on it :p

Knowing when to open the door to your heart is the absolute best way to protect it. It's much easier said than done. After years of searching for the right guy, finding whats the best for me and trying to fit into one & another and crying over one relationship to another relationship, I was officially engaged last Sunday. Honestly, the preparation took both of families roughly around 3 weeks plus went well.. Alhamdulillah. Thanks to dearest cousins and friends who worked hard for the last minute plan, running here and there to ensure the small intimate event smooth.. I'm so incredibly grateful to have everyone around me.. Till the next post love..Still can't believe I am engaged to my best dude, a friend i called "bro"for years. 

I cannot for the life of me believe that it is a first week of January 2016 already! Time truly has beaten me last year and I'm really not ready for this year 2016. What lies ahead? I feel like I'm in this really messy part of my life and other things have been for the past couple of months. I'm trying to figure it out as I go but it's a bit of a struggle and I feel like a drama queen to even be writing about this. But that's half the problem.

I'll be honest: I'm not the best at protecting my heart. I love love so much that sometimes I don't always make the best heart-related choices. For example, I cling to romantic notions of what I think something could be and ignore what it is. I'm often so hopeful things will work out someday that I often avoid dealing with what's happening now. (Healthy, I know...) When it comes to love, hopefulness isn't always a bad thing, but sometimes I'm so frantically hopeful that I swing the door to my heart wide open when it might be better slammed shut.

Little time alone to cope..,

Personally, I enjoy being alone. I take great pleasure in a lot of things that involve spending time by myself, such as reading and writing. It has been awhile since my blog was updated. Too many things happening now  and was extremely busy with my exams preparation and work. I had to juggle both in one time. Honestly I missed writing my blog talking about my work progress and everyday life. 

 Well, one of the most intimidating things about alone time is that you're alone... with your thoughts. Doing things and keeping busy all of the time is a great way to avoid thinking about things (especially things that might be bothering you!), but it really is a great feeling when you pause and listen to your thoughts without distractions. When you embrace what you are thinking and feeling, you can work towards accepting it and dealing with it. While this might not seem like the most fun thing in the whole world, it's really important to take some time to yourself to think about what's going on in your life and how it's affecting you. 

I believe that a moment spent coping is a moment that could be spent living.  Coping is about making it through another day.  Coping is about survival. . 

The purpose of my life is to live with joy.  I have found that when I am in coping mode, joy is impossible in my life.  I lose the ability to find pleasure in all the small things that make life so satisfying. It is a small thing, but for me, merely thinking about challenges in a different way makes them more bearable.  Joy has become the barometer.  When things are terrible, I ask myself whether I am able to enjoy anything in my life.  If the answer is no, I am in survival mode.  This is not the mode I want to be in, unless I am literally fighting to survive. If I find that I am having a hard stretch but there are still things that I can enjoy, then I am living, not coping. 

As much as I like to share my stories of coping, I guess my close friends and family had pampered me well so I can survive in rainy days and taught me how to live with joy.  Rather, they act as life jackets of distraction that float me to the end of another difficult day. .

 Take care of yourself and never stop finding new ways to be happy..

Take deep breaths and time outs

When dealing with a very hectic day, it's tough to remember to take deep breaths and time outs. No matter how busy you are, taking breaks is essential, like playing UNO cards. 

 Have a good Sunday!

Let it rain..

Opportunities are everywhere. You know this. I know this. But then why does it sometimes seem so hard to find them? So often we say we want more opportunities and, yet, we do not know where to find them. Whether you are searching for opportunities for your career or for a new relationship or for some chance to succeed, the key to finding opportunities is to realize that, much as you might want them to, they're not going to magically appear and the magic word will be " go with flow and patience is virtue"...

Ah, we are all aware of the opportunities. One word said or read the wrong way can cause so much pain. The perfect opportunities came at the perfect time can provide pure moments of bliss.  It is astounding to me to think about how much words have changed my life and i constantly believe opportunities comes once. However, things didn't come easily. I fall and wake up again. 

Since I've been struggling with acceptance lately, I've decided to focus on the ways I can start accepting what is (instead of dwelling on what I wish it could be). I know it's not going to be easy this whole situation has been one of the biggest challengers of living a positive and present life  but I have a feeling that if I at least try to accept what is, I'll be able to wake up and don't give up on something..

"An optimist is the human personification of spring."

Love,

My smiling heart..

“Smile with face, smile with mind, and good energy will come to you and clear away dirty energy. Even smile in your liver.” - Ketut, from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love

See the lights above you glowing

Life can throw us a lot of curveballs and, sadly, too many of us hold ourselves back from doing what we really want to do because we don't believe in ourselves, we don't love ourselves. And that needs to stop now. We all need to let ourselves be amazing , no matter what we're up against. Be happy and learn to let go without any grudge! I believe the more you respect yourself, the more you respect the world around you and the more likely you'll be to live a positive life.For those haters, I'm sharing these five reasons why self-love need to be exercised all the time !!

1. Having respect for yourself leads you to have respect for others^-^

2. Celebrating positive things about you supports a positive attitude about others

3. Taking care of your happiness first leaves your heart open to caring for others

4. Loving yourself makes you a happier, kinder, more positive person

5.Once your happiness is taken care of and you really learn to love yourself, you free up your emotional time and energy to love others and focus on them.

The other side of me and feelings.

For years, I stumbled through life and the fog in my head.  I spent a lot of time looking back to the past and forward to the future while suppressing all of the memories and emotions. The end result was I don't remember a lot from those years and didn't exactly build a life I was very happy living. I lived in fear yet still hoping to live happily.

 Constantly looking back at the past meant the present was filled with pain, loss and confusion. I scared to give disconnected from the true experience of the day because to feel all of that emotion would be overwhelming.

I was too distracted to create the perfect life, career and relationships that would bring me pleasure and a sense of achievement.  I have the fear of loosing.  Always looking ahead to the next bad thing meant I was always trying to see further down the road instead of the path in front of me.I was a constantly dripping puddle of regret, regretted almost everything by allowing myself to be compromising situations where I was hurt badly and be in a relationship with people took advantage of me. 

I know I have to create the future by overcoming what held me tied to a place of pain, grief and fear.. But I am still unsure where I am heading and when is the right time.. Silly as it may sound, sometimes, the quote "go with the flow" doesn't applicable to me at this age. I know everyone goes through challenging times and they end up digging into a hole of negativity that they can't get out of. For many this leads to relentless self-sabotage like myself. Therefore, its the time for a change. 

One Year passed...

I have been fortunate enough to have been given the gift of love and rezeki. One year had passed since the day I join other organisation ( which obviously a bank also) and to do something different from what i did previously.To switch from a relationship manager in corporate banking to treasury as market economic analyst was a big step. I have to begin my new career from scratch, cringing in front of pc doing analysis job, publishing economics paper which god knows how hard to cope with it were an amazing experience. Things didn't come easily.. The hurdles of coping and wanting to learn. .I have to keep my mind  open to absorb new things and there were times I slipped when I loose my focus but I survived. 

Happy one-year anniversary to me!

Life is filled with moments in which you feel as if you are standing in a fork in the road, looking down two potential paths, and wondering which way you should go. Sometimes we find ourselves lost, uncertain of which path will lead us home. One thing i learned for the past one year was "if you want to move forward from wherever you've found yourself, you have to take responsibility for your choices and actions".. I must admit there were times when I feel giving up when things didn't sail smoothly. I just want to go back to the things I used to do for the past 4 years. The feeling of " i think i made a wrong decision to do something I am not used to" .

When you find yourself in a situation in which you've made a bad decision and there is no one to blame but you, it can be tempting to feel down on yourself and to start thinking negatively, but DON'T! One thing I found the solution of my misery of being negative and mitigate the feeling was, asking myself, can it be fixed and changed now?  Alhamdulillah.. All you need is willing to understand.The wonderful thing about fixing any problems when comes to work is always be positive and don't give up although you are at slowest pace to catch up. 

The door always open for you to learn although sometimes it feels like a big game of trial and error, and often I don't have any idea what the best choice might be.. Honestly, at this juncture, although my trial will be my ppkm  and sc licenses which still pending to pass, I am happy to walk this far and expanding my knowledge on economics from doing credit for the past 4 years. After all, we bound to make few mistakes in life but most importantly, you know what you are doing and be grateful!

No matter what you've done or what choices you've made, there is always hope for the present moment. The past, unfortunate as it might be sometimes, is gone. . Happy weekend everyone!

Much love,

Rain or shine

Today is a gift

Sometimes we find ourselves on the same road we've been traveling down, yet we find ourselves yearning to take a turn down a different street. The wonderful thing is that we have a choice. Unfortunately, the hardest thing is also the fact that we have a choice. As any adult knows, life is filled with choices. . Throughout our lives we often find ourselves standing at the end of a road, wondering whether or not we should turn left or right.. " Ah, is this good for me or not. Right or left?"

As I weigh the pros and cons of keeping things the same or making a change, I found myself struggling to look for the positive, to realize that whatever situation I choose will be the right situation for me. Getting caught up in the future of potential change or weighed down by the reminders of changes in the past, I found myself unable to stay in the present. My mind is racing with "What ifs..." and "Remember whens...

Over the past few years I've been in a battle with myself, contemplating the pros and cons of my situation and weighing out all of the options. I just turned 30 a little over a month ago and I remember carrying around far too much heavy negative emotional baggage for the past few years until eventually, finally, thankfully,  Alhamdulillah, I became more happier each and everyday of my life. I arrived at a conclusion to live happily.. And, through it all, I kept mind open and my thoughts positive although along the way, I met the wrong person and break my heart again and again. While this definitely does not mean I stopped holding people accountable, I found that no problems were solved by my feeling this way. I was only hurting myself. Basically, over the past few years, I have learned to choose my battles and its okay to make a mistake in taking which route. 

Anyway, pictures to share for the week with the team and my short get away to Malacca over the weekend.

Have an amazing long weekend and Happy Independence Day Malaysia. I am bit sad to cancel my short trip to Bangkok this week. Sobs. Some other time perhaps :(