The other side of me and feelings.

For years, I stumbled through life and the fog in my head.  I spent a lot of time looking back to the past and forward to the future while suppressing all of the memories and emotions. The end result was I don't remember a lot from those years and didn't exactly build a life I was very happy living. I lived in fear yet still hoping to live happily.

 Constantly looking back at the past meant the present was filled with pain, loss and confusion. I scared to give disconnected from the true experience of the day because to feel all of that emotion would be overwhelming.

I was too distracted to create the perfect life, career and relationships that would bring me pleasure and a sense of achievement.  I have the fear of loosing.  Always looking ahead to the next bad thing meant I was always trying to see further down the road instead of the path in front of me.I was a constantly dripping puddle of regret, regretted almost everything by allowing myself to be compromising situations where I was hurt badly and be in a relationship with people took advantage of me. 

I know I have to create the future by overcoming what held me tied to a place of pain, grief and fear.. But I am still unsure where I am heading and when is the right time.. Silly as it may sound, sometimes, the quote "go with the flow" doesn't applicable to me at this age. I know everyone goes through challenging times and they end up digging into a hole of negativity that they can't get out of. For many this leads to relentless self-sabotage like myself. Therefore, its the time for a change.