Sunday, 16 September 2012

Perfect Home

I think this probably been the fastest week of my career and one of the most intense weeks of my life. Right now, I should have been half way through my review accounts,get new business and catching up to meet Bank's budget for 3rd quarter of the year. But as it turns out, I'm only half way through where some of my portfolios are going to have big repayment. It's kind of mind-blowing to me.Bosses are pressuring and chasing.I am all out till this end of this year and patiently waiting to be analyzed and screwed during the KPI.And still hoping the bonus will be as much as this year.

Life has been a little intense especially my job as an RM.For probably over the last year,I have become a thousand time more focus on work,gather more knowledge,find opportunities,millions of times more anxious and nervous getting emails & calls from bosses.Sometimes,I haven't be able to sleep thinking on my workload and had constant headaches.I would worry about everything and my mind constantly on.It was exhausting.

I don't want to sound like a serial broken record but it couldn't have been more perfect.The main thing I would worry about is the fear of unknown particularly the thought of turning one year older next year.I would convince myself of the tiniest little things,like the fact that my work is still progressing and moving forward but I haven't had time to think what will my future look like especially in finding perfect home.

It sounds ridiculous,and its hard for me to write because,it is really ridiculous talking about finding perfect home to live in and have kids when the piling and sub structure have not started yet.Even worse,I haven't met the perfect person who can hold my hand to Jannah.But I was pretty much convincing myself that the day will come and I won't be having daily nags from dad on this matter which is " JODOH ".

Dad always says , " we fall easily into a routine but we have forgotten life is too short to simplify if we keep on deny and avoid it to happen".The moment he said,my mind constantly think how important to get married because it is part of " ibadah".Then and only then,life is finally completes.Of course the completion cannot be found in anything other than Allah.

That's where it begins,the journey to Jannah. The building of a life,patience,perseverance and sacrifice.Once,I had big arguments with Dad on my perspective.My ultimate focus in life and struggle has just begun when I started work and I always think getting married is a burden to me.Then I realized,what I desire most are mostly focusing on Dunia not Akhirat.

Ironically,I have lived presently with wrong focus and I should have sacrificed my GOAL for the sake of Allah.From my reading ( Cinta Kerana Allah),I honestly believe that its one of those things I have to reach in life.I must admit that sometimes its not easy to live like this and my mind just isn't in the mood to think.

But then again,I learned throughout the arguments and parents always want the best.Whenever I come home and daily routine to solat berjemaah with parents,I always think that kind of little moments which matter most.Will I have this moment in future with my own husband and kids?

So many little things are currently making me happy at the moment and it would consume so much of my day.Some days I couldn't think of anything else than making myself happy.Facing a heartbreak and something terrible happened in my past have made myself unhappy (obviously from most of my post in this blog).On the flip side,happiness lies in everything you are thankful for.I am so grateful to experience little amazing things everyday in my life.Everyday is a new lesson to learn.

 Having said all that,I have been quite sentimental when I start thinking the things I have  in my life.Just as I believe happiness is a choice,I believe finding a perfect home where the heart is also a choice.Its not simply fit in to another heart just because I have to (desperate).I know God has written it up there and its the matter of time.As much as I hate when the question been asked " WHEN IS YOUR TURN?",I must say with all certainty that I have had some pretty shit things happen to me in my life,the purity of anything is found at the source,which seek it through God.

And,if I want to take it one step further,I have to really focus on "muhasabah diri / self improvement".Maybe at this juncture,Allah is giving me a space to change.The changes not just emotionally,mentally but it is within me.Some people have little interest in seeing new people by joining activities where you meet more people.While I definitely find it difficult to go out there and spot on.I know I have already said it a lot, but I couldn't be happier if I just sit down and chill out waiting for the perfect timing.

I suppose,I have spent some serious time thinking about the matter above besides continuously think about my workload.I am sure some may wondering ,will I meet the perfect person while doing nothing about it and only ponder it through blog?My answer will be NO.What you hold and chase will be only God which the only thing stable and constant.

I have this thing in my head.I believe everyone has a different purpose of doing anything.Therefore,my purpose to sit and chill waiting for it is to ensure I am not rushing  into it.Writing this post has really made me think about what I consider my personal purpose to be.God knows how much I love my parents so much and how I obey whatever they said and advised.

If someone has asked me,will I accept if my parents set me up with family's friends or relatives (well my uncle did that few times).I would say,if its meant to be and the " match make" goes well,I will definitely " redha" although my answer apparently will be " no-lah".It can be a list and whole long string of words with all of the things I want to fill in the blanks.

It can be anything and it seems like a grand task to fill in the blank by sitting and chilling to write down,who will be my life partner.Meantime,the entry I wrote earlier was about the matter I justified in this entry.It seems daunting to talk about it.For that reason,I have given a lot of thought to who I surround myself with because I really do believe that others affect us in ways we cannot necessarily recognize.

Often we get caught up in life in a way that makes it difficult to really see whats going on around us and we take people in our lives for granted and we stop really seeing what's happening.The clock is ticking until end of this year.I have come to realize that I really need to pay attention to who i surround myself with.Probably the person I seek for so long, its actually just right in front of me.

But for me,it seems difficult to see now while having my mocha with double shot espresso to add up the entry on finding the perfect home.Life is so valuable to waste.