Saturday, 2 March 2013

the person’s smile is like the sunrise to your happiness

When you awake every morning to either his voice waking you up for subuh prayer or his voice telling you to make sure your car is ok before leaving to office is everything you want to hear.You just feel an endless supply of love, like nothing, not a single thing can bring you down.I am lucky girl to have him as my dad,my lifetime man although sometimes I find him very annoying when he starts to tease me or jump over small things.He's still the coolest dad I've ever wish for.Call me spoil brat,but being the only child in the family,I have had all the love and advantage to ask from him whatever I want.Well,not all I wish for he will grants it but most of the thing,he never say no.The kind of love that feels like you're the only princess in his world.A man who will put his only daughter as his priority no matter what.Thank you papa :)

About 8 years ago when Papa had complication and gone through major surgery,I thought I will lose him.Deep inside me,I don't want to grow up without him and go through my teenage days without him around.For millionth time I prayed to God that he will be alright after the major surgery.I can't afford to see him for almost 10 days in ICU and the rest in NICU.I was 19 that time when he and mama gone through all these.I remember doctor telling us that the tube only last for 10 years.

Life is a mysterious,fragile thing and its so hard to know why some things happen when they do.The other day when I was in the car with mum,she told me dad only has 2 years to go based on the estimation.I completely lost thinking how time flies.How time really pressured me.To make it through this in once piece,I cannot change and accept the fact dad only left 2 years to live.

Much as I would like to turn back time and make everything is smooth,much as i would love to find a way to stop him from getting sicker,these are things I cannot do.I cannot change what is,no matter how much I might like to.I love papa all my life.Can't imagine my days without him.But what my main concern,he told mum that he wish to see me settling down and have kids this year atleast.I am incredibly sad thinking what he wish for.It seems impossible when myself is still lost in finding what is meaning of love and relationship.My heart breaks waking up to know I can't fulfill his wish.

To those of you who haven't been through this,it might seem as if I am being dramatic.After all,one could argue that its your dad's last wish for.He saw me growing up from a kid to teenage then now became an adult.Some people are just blessed with love ( relationship),with a perfect guy,with flowers growing from their fingertips,and warmth dancing around them.But some people are cursed with love, with swollen eyes, and heavy hearts, and thorns breaking through their skin. 

Wondering, in a constant battle with myself, if this is my entire fault, if this is what I deserve? It’s like heaven and hell in comparison. That’s how I imagine it anyway.God knows how much i love papa.How much i would want to make him happy.If only I can trade myself,I would.Mum always said,put trust in Allah and leave everything to him.Seek His help and He will show you the way.Accepting the current situation is incredibly difficult and I am not quite sure I will ever fully make him happy.