All Of Me

It's been almost exactly 5 years since I wrote this post.I feel I've struggled in the past and up until now. I was told that the straight path is not easy and requires struggle and sacrifice. What I have come to realize is that the path will always have challenges, tests and trials. 

Having lived so long in a state of unhappiness, I actually have begun to mistrust the happy times, as if they are some deadbeat who will come and leave at whenever it's convenient. When I see happiness coming my way, I tend to look suspiciously at it out of the corner of my eye, wondering just how long it's going to stick around this time.

I've found myself struggling with this a lot lately. I've felt very happy, but it's almost as if I don't want to feel that happy because I'm scared of not always feeling that happy. Like most people, I go through ups and downs ,sad times and happy times , but I find that, while I fully embrace the sad times, wallowing in them for all they're worth, I hesitate when it comes to happiness.

I am always a jumble of thoughts and feelings.I would be scared to lose my current happiness. I know I'm not the only one up to my ankles in happiness water, scared to submerge my full self, but sometimes I feel very, very frustrated by the way that I hold myself back. And that frustration has built up to the point where I've had enough of it. I'm done holding back. I'm done standing on the edge, scared to jump in. 

To be perfectly honest, this fear is starting to get on my nerves.It certainly takes away from my happy feelings. So many things going on now. It took a lot of back-and-forth in my mind, wondering and realizing and rationalizing.It was great to just be happy and not to worry about what it meant or why it was happening or how it might go away..