Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Relationship status

One of the difficulties I have found in relationships with others is the fact that we are often looking is happiness.I realized that this happiness has to come from within.It easy to blame unhappy feelings on other,outside factors,but,in all honesty,my own happiness comes down to me.

From my previous entry,I'm sure you've heard many times before, that I am happy when I entered new relationship after had my heart broke in my longest relationship.There are so many things happening for the past few weeks.Thinking about all the things,I am grateful for what Allah has given.A complete package of a guy who genuinely made me happy throughout my recovering phase.

Someone who I have learned so much from and helped me understand the world in new way,changed my perspective and has impacted my own life in such a profound and meaningful way is no longer a person I called a boyfriend.

I have decided to end the relationship we had.Everything began to fall into place.I must admit the sky was filled with shooting stars when we were in love,but it seemed the puzzles pieces of our relationship lost and the relationship collided.

Though I am not suffering from a broken heart right now when I decided to end our relationship,it still hurts.I haven't been the best at dealing with my personal pain.I am not good in pretending that I have cured my sadness for walking away from the relationship we built.Believe me,its the worst feelings in the world when I actually told him that I don't see the future and this relationship won't work out.

It is,by far,he was one of the genuine guy I have met.He has taught me things I never would have thought I could learn which willingly to let go of my past and live fully in the present moment.Over the past 11 months we have gone out,my life has changed considerably.I have moved on and he has lent his shoulder for me to cry on.

I am not perfect.I have made mistakes in my past to remain faithful to my longest relationship and continue to make mistakes because I am human.Love has a way of teaching us that what we do matters but also to those who love us.I have learned that nothing is ultimately more important than the life I am living right now.Love can be seen seen in a single look.

Every single moment matters.Life is short.I have noticed no change more profoundly in my short lifetime.Love is about compromise and  acceptance.Therefore,the person who loves you most should accept for who you are.There have been times when I've looked at myself in the mirror and wondered,"Do I really love this guy so much or I am just faking it?"

So after thinking about it for quite sometime,I came up with a big question mark whether "can this relationship move to another level and will I truly like his companionship for the past almost a year?".When I stop to think about what I'm feeling and thinking,I realized that its not usually what it seems.I found myself looking more and more at sad things.Our relationship seems not to go into same direction.I worried about things will never actually happen.

I gave up.

There are pieces of me who still love him as my partner but to be honest,slowly,it drained out.I never knew that one day,I determined to walk away from his life and left the memories we shared even in short period.There are so many things we have taken for granted.I do believe happiness is a choice.No one else is going to make you happy and feel better than yourself.I can't force this relationship if I am not happy and living unhappily.Its not a dream or fantasy.

I believed things happened with a good reason.I appreciate every single moments we have spent together and matters to me.I leave it to Allah because He knows what he's doing up there.Knowing the fact I am confused with my feelings,I only can pray things will get better.I can't dwell over this relationship much because he was a great man I fall in love with.He has done much to develop this relationship and bear with my emotions.However,my heart fell out of my back pack and nowhere to be found at the moment.The journey was perfect but Allah has tested us in so many ways.Allah has taken him away and I'm not sure exactly what will happen in future without him around as a person I used to call a boyfriend.

As I was writing this entry which 4 days to Eid Mubarak,I swear its really sad to end this beautiful journey of together.It was perfect but Allah probably has a better plan for us ahead.I believed it with whole my heart.